its almost dinner time and mansoor is singing in his soulful voice

dobare madar buzorg rakht e no suzan zade
tokhm e murghe rangi am az qafas dar aumade

i am transported to my hostel room where i would listen to mansoor for hours together rewinding certain songs again and again...just lying on my cot letting mansoor take me to a different plane

aks man barakse toh aasheqtarine
chun hanoozam aashique toh nazneene
alahi har ki mano bi toh bebine
mesle man be khaqe dil tangi beshine
qalabe man aasheqtarine
farqe man ba toh hamine

mansoor is no sufi or classical singer..he sings songs of pure longing and love but the words are simple yet profound and his voice seems to carry so much pain...probably his style ...but has given and still gives me immense pleasure

there are times when i want to write..my hands are on the keyboard and my mind is full of things ...but is wanting enough? feel so incoherent and words are lost to me...trying to put something off my mind delibrately..a futile attempt defeating its own purpose..the ghosts from past come haunting..i shoo them away and close my eyes..hope and pray they don't come back but they do ..afterall they are meant to haunt and thats the purpose of their existence..even though as a memory only..
sometimes i wonder at the complicated and convoluted world around me..i wonder is simplicity such a difficult quality to adopt...wouldn't it help make things better if we kept them simple and straight forward..but history is witness to the convulted logic that human kind has been following since ages...few days back we were watching a dramatisation of pre 9/11 incident. there was this young guy who probably flew one of the fateful planes that day...prima facie he had everything he could wish for..a rich family, a wonderful car and a sexy girlfriend...how could such a guy feel so wronged that he risked everything...what kind of indoctrination does it take to involve such people..i wonder

i read my horoscope for the day in the morning papers..it said your day can become wonderful but it all depends on you..left me wondering what was i supposed to do...so as you see started the day in a completely confused manner....moreover since it was a holiday i could leasurely afford to feel confused and ponder upon the ambiguous statement...how intelligent these fortune writers are...whatever happens with you they prove to be absolutely correct..play on our insecurities and fear of unknown and in the process earn a fortune for themselves.
usually i am asleep by this time but there are times when sleep refuses to nestle in my eyes..i am so charged with energy that i think i can take the whole world on...these are the nights when i manage to read and write in few hours what usually takes me days of effort. eyes glide over pages devoring them one by one and going to the next book or my pen keeps scribbling something or the other on my notebooks..hardly stopping to give a second look to what i have written..i leave it for later....when i am in a saner condition..i write ..without giving a thought to the content...to the form..sometimes write pages in mirror language...my code language since school days...these are the times when i write to hearts content and write just for myself without bothering how it sounds.......

there are some days when you just start on the wrong foot..there are signals flashed which unfortunately our minds used to rational thought refuse to acknowledge..we trash them, don't understand their implication and go on but somewhere deep in our unconcious we know things aren't right...some wise old man sitting deep in our heart tries to advise us ..the voice seems to be coming from a deep deep chasm..most of the times we ignore it as a voice of senility...what age of reason termed as superstitions probably have a logic now completely lost to us...knowingly or unknowingly we believe we fear and at times give a benefit of doubt to various beliefs....

how wonderful it would be if we could hear these multiple inner voices more often..and probably pay more heed to them..afterall theory of intution and all meditational techniques claim to make us reach that stage...but wouldn't it be maddening to listen to various and at times contradictory voices coming from within...how would we know which voice to follow....is there some kind of rivalry between these voices...do like us they also harbor a small ego which gets hurt too...guess i am finally going mad and there will lie the road to freedom........

ponderings

hmm so this writing everyday thing didn't work more than a fortnight..actually hadn't taken travel and powercuts in account...will give it a try again now that i am back..gujarat was hectic but fun....hope i can get things done in the direction of our discussion there...

reading jung in the auto was exciting..the bumpy ride also seem to echo his turbulent life..the connection between alchemy, yoga and the deep hidden self, the various neorosis he suffered and his major break from freud unfolded page by page...i devoured it but suddenly had to get down as auto wallah had to fill gas...with jung in my hand i got down and waited thinking about all the artists and writers who were propelled by some unknown force..while some managed to channelise the immense energy others failing to do so suffered from mental break downs...but jung was amazing...even while going through a break down he kept recording his feelings and hallucinations for future......wonder what insight he must have had in the unconcious...aaah there is so much to read..can't do justice to all and to myself my curiousity in one life time....